Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
