well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
