Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
