So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize