This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
