she was so not down for the gang bang
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
