I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize