I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
