Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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