I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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