My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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