We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize