if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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