I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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