apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Randomize
