Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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