Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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