My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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