Its about making memories worth repressing
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize