I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize