I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
