True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
