Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
