I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
