Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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