I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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