i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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