i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
