i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I accidentally had phone sex last night
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
