there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
