I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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