If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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