Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
