I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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