Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
