Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
