I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
