He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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