Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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