Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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