so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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