Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
