ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
