I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
