just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
