You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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