When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
