My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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