My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize