I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
