I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
