My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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