if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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