also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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