2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
