So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize