the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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