you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
