Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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