Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
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