I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You ate ashes out of my bong
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
