I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
